Graham the Giant Watermelon

That’s right, it’s not a watermelon, it’s a piece of Graham’s cousin Derek the cucumber that looks like a willy. Obv. It plays no part in this story whatsoever.

Once upon a time there was a giant watermelon named Graham. He had a happy childhood in a field in Spain, lying in the sun and learning all sorts of things from his leaves, his stalk and from the birds and animals that dropped by to chat to him.

Like all good watermelons, when he grew up the time came for him to travel in search of a human family so that he could make them happy.

He left his stalk and hitched a ride on a truck all the way to a land his leaves had told him about called Blighty. A mystical place where he would find happiness and fulfilment by having his pips squeezed and his fruit devoured.

Now Graham had quite a vivid imagination you know. He passed the time on his journey by imagining that he was a brave Jedi Knight, travelling to save his human family from the Death Star moon that he saw each evening in the darkening sky.

He eventually found himself on a wooden rack outside a Greek shop in Camden, a part of London where the strange and the peculiar people go. None were more strange and peculiar than ‘Magic Mike’, the giant of a human who plucked him from his rack and cradled him as if he were a human baby. But Graham knew, he could somehow tell, that he had found the right human. Maybe it was the way Mike held him, or maybe it was the way he gently lay the young melon on the softest bed he had ever known, even softer than when he was still on his stalk! 

Graham thought his travelling days were done but it turned out that Magic Mike lived with his girlfriend Juicy Lucy in a place far far away from Camden called Lanny-Man-Pants. The bed Mike had lay him on was in the back of a camper van and so Graham snuggled into the duvet for one final journey. In Lanny-Man-Pants he met two dogs, Ally and Dave who hoped that one day, when they grew up, they might be as big as Graham. The dogs then introduced him to Esmeralda, the most beautiful doormat you have ever seen, even more beautiful than Graham’s overactive mind could have imagined! 

Graham knew that his time to shine was close, that it was only a matter of time before his skin would be shed and his fruit carved into chunks for the hungry mouths of Mike and Lucy and their children (but not the dogs, this may be a silly story but we’re not having dogs eating watermelon, that’s taking things too far), so he knew he had to make the most of his time with Esmeralda whilst he had the chance. 

When Juicy Lucy told Mike it was time to say goodnight to the watermelon, and put Ally and Dave to bed on the silver unicorn cushion, Graham grabbed his chance. He wooed Esmeralda with stories of how he’d used the force to protect the family from the terrifying Death Star and of his exciting (yet remarkably comfortable) journey from the Greek Market in Camden all the way here, to her, whilst Mike sang along badly to songs by a band called Pearl Jam and Lucy snored gently (Graham had no idea what fruit you made pearl jam from, there’s only so much you can learn from a stalk and a few leaves in a field in Spain you know).

 By the time his tales were told, Esmeralda was utterly enthralled by him and they spent the rest of the dark hours making beautiful love by the light of the pineapple, whilst a fish named Divorce swam silently near by, and kept forgetting why there was lights coming from the pineapple. 

Of course, all good things must come to an end and, for a watermelon, true destiny is met in the hungry and thirsty mouths of the humans you are born to feed. But, even as parts of him were spun around in the blender with the juice of a lime and some Cachaça to make the most delicious Melon Caipirinha Mike had ever tasted, Graham was probably the happiest giant watermelon that ever there had been, and Esmeralda lived happily ever after with one of Graham’s seeds hidden away deep within her brush.



Words and pictures owned by Mike Perry and not to be used without his consent.